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13 April 2020

Penumbra: Where did Alex's hope go?


At the beginning of the film The Big Chill a preacher is speaking of a character who has committed suicide. He asks, 'Where did Alex's hope go?'

Pain doesn't have to be excruciating to be exhausting. It just has to be constant and such that it can't be ignored. It's easy, for example, to ignore the sharp pain I regularly feel in my right foot. But the pain I feel pretty much all the time in my neck and shoulders and at the base of my skull is quite different. That's the kind of pain I have been in for a couple of years now. It slows me down at my job and makes it harder for me to work at the level I wish to work. What's worse than the pain itself is the energy it takes to force myself to keep working through it every day, and how that effort just drains my enthusiasm for a job I love. 

But this is easy compared to the pain and disappointment of feeling that almost no one I have trusted deserves to be trusted, which is also something I have come to feel because of what I have seen and experienced since I was injured. Nothing in my life has ever sucked the joy out of my life the way that has.

Maybe that's where Alex's hope went.


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